Hey guys. Little life update here. It’s going to be short because there’s not much to really share other than this massive realization I had just recently. Before that, a little background:
I’ve been diagnosed with a mood disorder June of last year and I’ve been unemployed since then. I’ve been on a cocktail of medications to help improve my mood ever since I was diagnosed, and some have worked and some have not, until we finally got the medication and dosage right for me to relatively function well as a human being. To give a little context, before the medication, I was always irritated by the smallest things and I was always tired. Like, tired as in I don’t want to worry about other people’s bullshit and I just want to sleep. Preferably forever. Textbook depressive symptom right there, so it makes sense that I won’t be able to keep a job from June 2017 to now. Now though, my therapist and I got lucky with the meds I’m taking, and so I decided that it was the perfect time for me to find a job.
I found one, and it’s perfect because the job’s not that hard, I’ll be working 8 hours (unlike in my previous job where I worked 10 hours) and the office is really close to my home (which is a blessing because traffic in Manila is borderline crazy). So, lucky, right? Except. Except I bailed and stopped my application process.
I know, why did I do it, a mistake on my part, what a wasted opportunity. I know, I know. It’s just that the night before the second interview, I got this massive anxiety attack. I also got a small one right after the first interview. My body was literally killing itself with the idea that I’m about to invest time and effort into something I don’t really like doing. And truthfully, the job I was close to getting wasn’t something I wanted to do. But isn’t that what a job is supposed to be? Something you don’t necessarily like but have to live with? I don’t understand why my brain is like this, and if I’m going to have panic attacks every time I’m going to the office, how am I going to survive going there day to day?
So yeah, a wasted opportunity indeed, but something tells me that this is not the right time for me to get a job. After all, we’re relatively fine with our finances since we have a family business that’s going well, and my family needs help with the business anyway. I don’t know if I’m making excuses for my neurotic behavior or if my self-preservation instincts are right, but maybe I don’t have to figure it out now. Maybe I just need to take time to recover and truly be okay; maybe there will come a time when I’m ready to have a job, where I won’t have anxiety attacks with the very idea of employment. Maybe, maybe, maybe.