I’ve just finished reading this wonderful article about toxic friends and why it’s okay to miss them sometimes, even if you don’t want them back in your life. I can relate to this so much as I still miss the friends I cut ties with January of 2017. I left the friendship, you see, mostly because I felt like I wasn’t getting the friendship that I needed from them and that they were preventing me from growing as a person. We were always meeting at the same place, doing the same things, and gossiping about other people rather than talking about ourselves and the changes that have happened to us. Not to mention, when I would talk to them or request something from them, they wouldn’t support me. I just felt tired and drained with the friendship, and so I stopped reading their messages in our group chat and eventually left.
The saddest thing was when I left the group chat, they didn’t try to persuade me to come back. It may be because out of all of us, I’m the most steadfast and decisive; once I decide on something, I won’t be dissuaded. I think it was their way of respecting my decision, even if it hurt when they did it.
What happened after I broke the friendship changed me. I started blooming – other friends would comment about how pretty I looked in my IG photos – I started feeling lighter, and I just felt good in general. I met friends through Twitter and they taught me how to dress well and do my make-up better. I met another friend too and I realized how much I trapped myself into this friendship with people who I literally have no connection with other than the fact that we went to the same grade school and high school.
the fire nation attacked I got diagnosed with Bipolar II and life, as I know it, changed. I suffered and struggled. There were moments I thought my diagnosis was some sort of Karma for leaving my friends, but I know that the two have no correlation, and just because I miss them every once in a while doesn’t mean they will be good friends for me. And it’s okay to miss them. They’ve been good to me, and I’ve enjoyed my time with them, but perhaps that is a thing of the past and it must stay there. And I deserve better friends, you know? People who would support and understand me, who would love to see me thrive, who would not judge me for having a mental illness. I deserve better, and I just have to say that to myself every time I miss them, every time I think of connecting with them again. I deserve better.