I checked my Instagram account earlier and I just realized that it’s been more than a month since I last posted anything. Part of me is sad that I have no more social media presence, especially with me bailing out of Facebook last year. I’m not that active on Twitter either, and I just mostly lurk on Tumblr. So far, Instagram’s my only gateway into informing my friends that yes, I’m still alive and that yes, I have an interesting life.
But life hasn’t been interesting in the last month. Sure, I was hospitalized for almost self-harming, but sharing this, especially in my environment, is enough to guarantee pity and scorn for being weak. Like I mentioned before, the stigma is strong in the Philippines. People who are mentally ill like me suffer in silence or if not, we live in contempt and judgment from other people. Best to stay quiet than risk the consequences of being open about one’s mental illness.
As a result, I haven’t had anything posted in Instagram lately. Like I said earlier, it makes me feel sad and pathetic. Mostly because truly, there’s nothing interesting in my life as of late. I wake up, do my chores, do anything to pass the time, take my meds, and sleep. It’s not like I have a job or anything. And I don’t really have friends, since the closest ones I’ve opened up my mental illness to has left. As such, I don’t have people to go to places and adventures with, and I’m basically just stuck at home.
Is it a bad life? Certainly not. I’m happy that I’m with my family and that we are all safe. I’m happy that I get to see them everyday. I’m happy that I get to pet my cat everyday. I’m happy that I have enough time to recover and heal. But seeing people on Instagram with their lives, their achievements, their progress – it just makes me feel bad. It makes me feel like I’m not progressing as much as they are, you know? And that sucks.
I wish there was a way for me to go back to my old life, where I’m active on social media, where I get to travel and share my adventures, where I get to post the latest books I’ve bought and will read, where I post motivational posts to keep me and others going. But that time’s gone now. I only have this: a life where I’m trying to survive everyday, with my mental illness as company. It’s a sad life.