April is currently the country’s hottest month of 2018. The weather hit 35 °C on the 23rd and 91% in terms of humidity on the 10th. It’s been crazy hot. There are memes about the Philippines being the 10th circle of hell, and honestly? There might be some truth to that. Complaining about the heat will do nothing, many say, but there’s catharsis in it.
I’ve been burned by April, both literally and figuratively. So many things have happened, and I have learned so many things from it. Without further ado, here’s my monthly wrap-up of April 2018:
- I failed re-employment.
I planned my reinstatement at the beginning of this year. I picked a month at random – April, fate decided – that’s when I would come back to my old job. The first three months passed and April came, and I reapplied. But the tasks proved too much for me to handle. I lasted days before I had to inform my boss that I would stop my reinstatement. Why, you may ask?
- I almost offed myself.
The pressure, even the thought of working 8 hours a day for five days a week, put me into a tailspin. I could not bear the responsibility, and my body paid for it dearly. My anxiety was through the roof and I had to be taken to the hospital so I don’t harm myself. I could have easily done the latter; I was in the mindset of that of a cornered, trapped animal. I had to escape, even if it meant cutting my limbs off. It’s a good thing my family cared for my welfare. If it weren’t for them, I’d probably be gone from this world.
- I did not celebrate my birthday.
April 11th is my birthday, but I had to go to the hospital on the 10th and visit my psychiatrist on the 12th, so I did not have much time to celebrate my birthday like I did before. I was extremely tired on my birthday, a product of my struggles the day prior, and as such, all I did was sleep and eat. Not that glamorous of a celebration, but considering everything, just being alive was the greatest gift of all.
- I booked our first mother-daughter trip.
Mother hates traveling. She despises being away from her responsibilities, even at her age, so convincing her to go out of town, even for one night, is a struggle. So when I broached the topic of going to Ilocos for not one, but three nights, I expected backlash. Much to my delight, however, she was interested in the idea, and I quickly drafted an itinerary and booked our tickets. The trip will not happen until September, but I am excited for it nonetheless.
- I failed my ESL teaching plan.
I mentioned buckling under the pressure of having a full-time job, but what about a part-time one? I quickly learned that that, too, had me struggling. I applied for one Online ESL job, and the interview went well that I was immediately given an offer, but I declined. Again, I couldn’t bear the responsibility, even if I only had to work 4 hours a day. That’s when I decided to stop looking for a job. I obviously couldn’t handle it yet, and I know there will come a time that I will; it’s just now’s not it.
- I attended the Mental Health Blogathon.
One saving grace of last month is my being able to attend the MH Blogathon. It’s an event made possible by Mental Health PH, and it aims to educate and motivate bloggers and vloggers to create authentic, empathetic mental health content. I enjoyed the event, truly. I met people who are also struggling with their mental health and it validated my experience. The event made me feel like I am part of a community, and for that I am grateful.
- I watched A Quiet Place.
This might be nothing for you, but I have been waiting to watch this film ever since I saw its trailer. It’ a sleeper hit, that’s for sure; the film is such a delight for its genre that it had me gripping the edge of my seats and stifling whatever sounds that come out of my mouth. If you haven’t watched the film yet, I suggest you do.
- I learned that I am so much more than what I could not do.
Sure, I can’t keep a job yet. Sure, I spend most of my days trying to relearn how to be a functional adult. But that’s all right. I’m worth more than the things I cannot do. The important thing is that I am still alive. I am doing the best that I can. And that’s enough.
What about you guys? How has April been so far?